Say What?
by Almeida24T
Summary: Sadley this is the last chapter, if anyone would like me to keep going please let me know in reviews. thanksJack, Will, and Elizabeth offer a commentary about certian life events. Please R+R
1. Giving Birth, Gravity, and Shit

Disclaimer:  I do not own Pirates of the Caribbean, or any of the characters.  I only own their thoughts.

Chapter 1…Giving Birth, Gravity, and poop.

Jack:  I mean really, I don't understand what the whole fuss about giving birth really is.  I mean it's just a lot of pushing and breathing right?

Elizabeth:  I beg your pardon.  Try squeezing a cantaloupe out a hole the size of a cherry.

Jack:  What's a cantaloupe?

Will:  Honestly Jack, it's a fruit that's all orange on this inside………you eat it.

Jack:  Whatever.  Anyways, back to my point.  It's just all kind of ridiculous, and it all gets blamed on us.  "You did this to me."

Will:  Jack we kind of do, do it to them, so they have a right to say something like that.

Jack:  Yes, but they were completely willing, so in turn it's half their fault, and I right?

Will:  I suppose.

Elizabeth:  No!  Not at all.  *pauses and thinks*   Well actually, I do suppose you have a point.

Will:  Wow, Jack Sparrow made a sensible point.

Jack:  Will, I've told you a thousand times, it's Captain Jack Sparrow.  But anyways, I don't like it.  It's too messy.

Elizabeth:  Well that's just how it is Jack.

Jack:  You may be right luv, but if I created the way of life, I would have made it so you could just say, I want a baby.  And then it would just plop down right in front of you.  There, easy.

Will:  You're hopeless.  I mean honestly, you need a practical way of doing it Jack.

Jack:  It is practical; I mean it could happen, if a few things were changed.  Like gravity for one.

Elizabeth:  Oh god here he goes.

Will:  Just let him speak or he'll never let us hear the end of it.

Jack:  All I'm saying is it would be bloody brilliant if everyone was just floating around all day.

Will:  Really Jack, how so?

Jack:  Well people could be doing flips in the air and such, flailing their arms around all day.  But the only problem is that when we go the bathroom that would be floating around too.  You know shit is disgusting.

Elizabeth:  I can't listen to this.

Will:  He's mad.

Jack:  But it's all brown and sometimes not – sometimes it's green.  You know one night Mr. Gibbs wasn't feeling to good, ate a bad fish, and he was in the loo for hours.  It was mad that night.

Will:  Jack enough.


	2. Cats, Children, and Curtains

Chapter 2…Cats, Children, and Curtains

 *Elizabeth is petting a cat*

Jack:  I don't like cats.

Elizabeth:  Why?

Jack:  They smell.

Will:  No they don't.

Jack:  Yes they do.  Especially when they've just made a mess on your boat.

Elizabeth:  Jack, honestly, that's nonsense. 

Jack:  Oh really.  Why do you think I don't have a cat?  Cause they always mess on my ship.  I don't like it.  They're nothing but trouble.  And they do really annoying things.  Can't stand the things…yuck.

Will:  Annoying things, like what?

Jack:  Well, they always land on their feet.

Will:  How is that annoying?

Jack:  Well, when you're trying to throw them off your boat, they always land on the plank, and you can NEVER get rid of them!

Elizabeth:  JACK!  Why would you ever throw a cat off your ship?

Jack: Well luv, it's quite simple.  Because they mess on my ship!

Elizabeth:  Well, they're no worse than children, and you have them on your ship all the time.

Jack:  Yes, but that doesn't mean I like children.  Actually, they are very stupid, and they always ask a never ending stream of questions. (jack mocks a childs voice)  "Why do birds fly"  "Why does a boat need sails?"  "When is dinner?"  I can't stand them.

Elizabeth:  Well I hope to have kids someday.

Will:  Me too.  I want 2 kids.

Elizabeth: Me too Will.

Jack:  I think I'm going to be sick.  Well don't ever ask me to baby-sit.

Elizabeth:  Don't worry.

Jack:  Anyways, cats and Children are always the same, both get into similar trouble.  Kids they climb on furniture, cats they climb on curtains.  Speaking of curtains…

Will:  Oh god.

Jack:  Why do they always look so girly?  If I was to ever buy some of the curtains they have out there for sale…well actually let me re-phrase that, If I was to ever steal any of the curtains they have out there, I think I'd need to drink an entire ocean of rum.

Elizabeth:  How are they girly?  They just have flowers and pretty things on them.

Jack:  Precisely.  They're bloody ugly.  Whoever came up with some of those designs should be hung.  More so than me.

Will:  Jack, really that was uncalled for.

Jack: I'm just telling you a lot of rum.  Speaking of rum, you got any?


	3. Toenail clippings, Conserving water, and...

Disclaimer:  I do not own Pirates of the Caribbean…wish I did.  But just a note.  This is not meant to be accurate, it is meant to be amusing, so please no reviews on how Jack wouldn't know about such and such *coughgravitycough*  it's just meant to be funny.  Thanks

Chapter 3:  Toenail clippings, Conserving Water, and Coconuts.

*Will walks in all covered in mud, Jack behind him not muddy, smirking*

Elizabeth:  Will what on Earth happened?  You filthy!

Will:  Captain Jack Sparrow here decided I needed a mud bath.

Jack:  What?  He loved it.

Elizabeth:  I'll go run the bath.

Jack:  Elizabeth, I can throw you in the mud too.

Elizabeth:  I beg your pardon.

Jack: Yeah.  See that way you'll be dirty too, so you can bathe together.  Saves water.

Will:  Jack come on, don't be daft.

Jack:  No but think about it.  If everyone took baths together, there would be so much more water out there, to drink, and to mop up spilled drinks with.

Will:  Jack don't be ridiculous.

Jack:  I tell you, I'm going to be famous for this idea one day.  Well I technically am famous right now.  Hmmmm well I'll be famous all over the world.  Not just in the Caribbean.  Well, actually, ok everyone will say "you know Captain Jack Sparrow came up with that idea."  And it'll be brilliant.

Elizabeth:  Jack what business is it of yours if Will and I bathe together… absolutely none!

Jack:  Ahh so you want to.  You just admitted it.  There's not getting around this one Lizzy.   Muhahahhaha, so you want a mud bath too eh?  Then you and Mr. Turner can go and "save water."

Will: Jack, enough.  Please just go.

Jack:  Alright fine, I'll leave you two to it then. (he winks, starts walking out and notices some coconuts)  What in the bloody hell do you have coconuts in here for?

Will:  To eat.  What else.

Jack:  I hate coconuts.  Blasted things are out to get me.  They hate me I'm telling ya.

Will:  (rolls eyes)  Why are coconuts out to get captain Jack Sparrow?

Jack:  Because when I was on the island for the first time, I drank a lot of rum.. I mean a lot lot lot of rum, I sort of….well i

Elizabeth:  yes…

Jack:  Well one hit me in the head, so I was yelling at them.  But they deserved it I'm telling ya, they started with me.  I did nothing at all to have the one little guy hit me in the head.

Will:  You know coconuts are not alive, and have no brains, right Jack.

Jack:  Like Hell they don't.  All coconuts should be banned from… from the world!  Oh Will, when you go up to take your bath, make sure you clip your toenails.  I kind of noticed they were abnormally long.

Will:  Right Jack, will do.

Jack:  But just don't leave the clippings everywhere.  That is so nasty.

Will:  You've killed hundreds of men, and you can't stand toenail clippings.

Jack:  It's so nasty.  I mean the little buggers just stay there, for a really long time, until someone finally picks them up or something.  But who would want to touch those things yuck!  So I'm just telling ya Will, pick em up, if not for me, for the lady.

Elizabeth:  And what if "the lady" doesn't mind?

Jack:  I knew you were weird.  I always knew there was something weird about you Lizzy, that's nasty, eew gross.  Toenails blach!

Will:  Jack, will you just leave please?

Jack:  Oh right, go you two little love birds, frolick in each others dirt.  But it's worth it in a way.  Saves water after all!


	4. Honeymoons, Salt water, and Rats

Chapter 4…Honeymoons, salt water, and rats

Jack:  So Will, tell me where's the honeymoon?

Will:  We haven't decided yet.  Why?

Jack:  Well because I was just thinking…Honeymoon's should go the other way.

Will:  What do you mean Jack?  

Jack:  Well hear me out.  You've just pledged to be with this person for the rest of your life right mate?

Will: aye.

Jack:  So if your going to be with this person the rest of your life, why spend 2 weeks together, being inseperable?

Will:  Because it's a very romantic time Jack.  You've just pledged you love, so you want to celebrate.

Jack:  2 weeks apart makes more sense to me mate.  You've got your whole life with this person, so some time off in the beginning might be good aye?  But marriage isn't for me either mate.  I'm never in one place long enough to find me a lady.

Will:  maybe if you started being a gentleman, and not drinking rum every chance you get you'd find one.

Jack:  Maybe I could just throw you off me ship?  How would that suit you?  

Will:  Maybe I don't want to go on your ship?!?!

Jack:  What in the bloody hell do you mean?  Actually, it's quite infested with rats at the moment.  Nasty little buggers.  I'm telling ya they're the size of bloody watermelons mate.

Will:  Lovely.

Jack:  No I'm serious.  I tried to shoot one the other day, I got it like 3 times, and it still didn't die.  They're possessed I'm telling ya.

Will:  Possessed rats.  Right Jack, I'm sure.

Jack:  No man listen.  Some things in this world you can't explain.  Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?*

Will:  No one understands the words that are coming out of your mouth.* you never make any sense.

Jack:  Well I'll give you an example then.  I have a good one.  Like why the ocean is salty mate.  Try describing that one.

Will: I can't.

Jack:  Ha!  I can.  You see  the degree at which the suns rays hit the ocean gives off this sort of posh sensation if you will, and creates what we pirates know as salt water.

Will:  Jack you don't know what the bloody hell your talking about.

Jack:  Ok, well see sting rays, leave a scent in the water, and it has a substance to it, and that's where the salt water comes from.  I'm telling you.

Will:  OK, but for that to be probable, then there would have to be millions and trillions of sting rays forever and ever.

Jack:  No, that's not what I meant.  I meant when the whales and sharks battle, their blood is made from the salty substance in which we get our salt water.

Will:  Jack you really are ridiculous.

Jack:  Oh you don't believe me then mate?

Will:  Jack, you've changed your story 3 times.

Jack:  No I haven't!  But any way's.  I recommend Tortuga for the honeymoon, really they'll give you a splendid welcome.


	5. Self help books, ears, and Superhero nam...

Chapter 5… Self help books, Ears, and a superhero name for himself.

Jack:  You know what?  I've been thinking.

Elizabeth:  Oh god no you haven't been thinking Jack have you?

Jack:  Funny luv, real funny, but no I was thinking, what is the point of self help books.

Will:  What?

Jack:  Well, if you help yourself, then it's not called self help its called help am I right mate?  And also, if you help yourself you don't need any help cause you've helped yourself.

Will:  What are you talking about, you don't make any sense.

Jack:  Yes I do mate; you're just not listening properly.  You know you should clean your ears out every once in a while, because if you don't nasty things will happen to them.

Will: Like what?  They fall off?

Jack:  Actually yeah.  

Will:  Right Jack.

Elizabeth:  Jack your talking nonsense.

Jack:  No, Mr. Cotton's parrot, he didn't take care of Mr. Cotton's ears, and one fell off mate, it just bloody dropped to the deck.

Will:  Jack, I'm sure something else happened to make his ear fall off.

Jack:  Well I asked Mr. Cotton, and he didn't say anything, so I was assuming my story was true.

Will:  Jack, Cotton is a mute remember?

Jack:  Bloody hell, your right.  Damn, now I have to go find out how the ear came off.  Bloody hell.  Alright, well then I must be off to investigate this mystery.

Will:  Alright, but be careful of your way out, because the floors slippery.  Elizabeth Just washed.

Jack:  See now that doesn't make any sense.  Why would you wash the floor when you have company that is going to be leaving?  See what is the sense in that mate.

Will:  Cool it, it had to be done.

Jack:  It couldn't wait 20 minutes for Christ sake.  Now how am I supposed to leave?

Will:  You could walk over the floor.

Jack:  Don't be ridiculous.  I couldn't possibly.  You know what would be good, if I had tape on my shoes, and then I could just walk on your wall and ceilings and stuff.  I mean it would be a lot more fun after all.

Will:  Just walk over the floor.

Jack:  I'm not done yet.  And then I could be like a superhero, and jump from wall to wall.  Pirate man who loves the ladies.  That could be my name.  Will, I demand that you call me that from now on.

Will:  Jack I – 

Jack:  Pirate man who loves the ladies!!!

Will:  So sorry, Pirate man who loves the ladies, don't you think you should condense the name a bit?

Jack:  What does condense mean?

Will:  Shorten the name a bit.

Jack:  Well, I don't know, perhaps it could be Pirate Are me.  Get it like Arrrrr not like the letter, clever eh?

Will:  Oye.


	6. Will and Elizabeth, Chocolat, and drinki...

Chapter 6…Will and Elizabeth, Chocolate (if you haven't seen the movie you won't get it), and Drinking rum.

Jack:  You know what bothers me?  I mean what really bothers me?

Elizabeth:  Do I want to get you started?

Jack:  That's what really bothers me.  How you and Will are always saying how you don't like me talking to you.

Will:  Jack, we never said that, it's just sometimes some of the things you say take a very long time, and you just go on and on and on.

Jack:  Well can you blame me for having a bloody imagination, and lots of stories to tell.  Bloody hell, I thought you guys were my friends.

Will:  Jack if course we are, but really if you want to say something we won't ever do it again.

Jack:  No that's not good enough, because I know you'll be thinking it on the inside.  But actually that's not what really bothers me.  What really bothers me is when women don't drink.

Elizabeth:  Why?

Jack:  Well because as you both are very familiar with, I drink a lot.  A very lot and when I'm around women and I'm drinking and they're not I make a total fool out of myself, and I don't know if I like it.

Will:  Then don't drink.

Jack:  I BEG YOUR PARDON!  Not drink?  Did I hear you correctly?

Will: Ummm, yes…

Jack:  Will, maybe you should come and drink with me sometime.  We'll see how you like it mate.

Will:  Well, you see jack, I don't particularly like rum.

Jack:  Who said you bloody had to have rum.  There's lots more things out there William.  Do you know I had a very strange dream the other night?

Will:  Really, and what happened in it?

Jack:  Well, It was in this village in France I think, and there was this woman, and she thought that she could guess my favorite kind of chocolate, but it took her three tries to get it right.  It was weird.  But speaking of chocolate, I think I want some.  Well, I'm off.  Not sure when I'll be back.

Will and Elizabeth:  Finally.


End file.
